Don’t Watch “Mean Girls 2”

Mean Girls 2 is a movie that was made for television. It is a sequel to Mean Girls which is a surprisingly well written teen comedy that people like. Mean Girls 2 stars nobody except for Tim Meadows, who was in the part probably because he’ll act in movies that pay him money. In the movie there is a plot and characters who have “traits” which are mystical aspects of a person that differentiate themselves from the other warm organ bags that you see on television.

I will amend my original statement. Mean Girls 2 is a totally fine movie to watch if you are sick and/or a small child. It is no where near as funny or clever as the first one nor will you feel satisfied at the end of watching it. Nothing about the movie is inherently terrible, the special effects are present and done entirely practically – so none of it looks obviously fake beyond your expectations – and the acting is poor but acceptable for what the movie is. It is precisely what the original would have been with a worse script; a very generic teen comedy about high school social life.

There’s almost something refreshing about how formulaic this is. At no point are you surprised in any way, good or bad. Rape isn’t played for comedy, nobody gets murdered, nothing is really all that surprising. It is a movie where images are played in a sequence and the intended audience of small children who will be unable to grasp the nuances of film will be entertained. I suppose its odd to say this, and part of me feels dirty doing it, but Mean Girls 2 is a film that is perfect. Okay I need to explain this big time.

On a personal level, I like to think of movies in three different ways. There’s the movie that is presented to you on the screen, the final product of every single thing that happened during production, which is what I tend to be talking about most of the time. Then there’s the movie that could have been, which is any potential that the film has, whether the crew met it or not: see Apollo 18 for a really great premise that went absolutely no where. Finally, and the one that I touch upon least because its pretty useless outside of reviews like these, I try to see the movie that was intended all along.

Let’s call them Actual, Potential, and Intentional films. There’s probably an official name but I like making up my own names because I’m not actually a film student. I like to function as an audience surrogate, and I’m probably piss poor at that, but shut up I’m using my own terms. Mean Girls 2 matches all of these categories with each other. Nothing about it feels wasted or like it wasn’t planned to be that way from the beginning, and while the actual film is mediocre, it feels like it was designed to be that way from the beginning.

It is the definition of ham sandwich, aspiring to nothing and achieve precisely what it aspired to. I respect that, I really do. Its at least honest with me; it doesn’t pretend like its great or doesn’t try to trick me like Iron Man 3 did. I’m not offended by it like Pain and Gain and I’m certainly not disappointed when my expectations were “I bet this will be mediocre.”

Right up until they brought up the “I gotta repress all sex ever” plot. There are scenes where girls congratulate each other for waiting, the girl who sleeps around is demonized, and of course every guy is always a horny idiot who will do anything for sex. Awesome. Cool. Great. Hey can I go literally one movie without something sexist popping up? Literally one. That’s all I ask. Its really not that hard. You could have even kept the girl who sleeps around, seriously. Just enough with the “having sex before marriage will lead to regrets” shit is getting kind of old. And men don’t always think about sex, for fuck’s sake.

Oh whatever, I can’t even be that mad at this movie. Its so barely a plot or even a joke and the delivery of both of those lines were shit so it was probably put in there to get it on the airwaves or something. Its stupid, but after Pain and Gain I’m starting to feel pretty numb to that. Christ. That was such a bad film. Fuck. How was Mean Girls 2 better than anything I saw this week? This was supposed to be the low point. God. I hope The Great Gatsby is better than the shit I’ve been seeing recently.

Hey, notice how much shorter this review is? That’s because I’m trying out shorter writing styles in order to get back on what usually ends up as a 2500 word essay on a movie. Please let me know if you think this is shit or if you like it, so that I can better market myself to you and slowly ease my way in to your every day life, until you feel a deep sense of shame each time you DON’T read something of mine. Then I can greedily grasp at your wallet and suck the cash from you like some fucked up capitalist vampire. I’ll be the goddamn Ronald Reagan of film reviews.

Egan Dunne is a twenty-one year old guy who reviews movies. He is very tall and is otherwise not all that special. On the other hand, people seem to like him writing things. He paid money for a website and sometimes writes in the third person to make this biographical information box look like a formal biographical information box, when it is in fact a cheap shadow of a real biography. He may or may not be serious at any given moment, but likes to keep it a mystery. This helps when he says something stupid and then people think its a joke. Is it really a joke? Yes. Yes it is. Unless its not stupid, then its real. Its whatever is best at the moment.

Posted in Don't Watch, Movie Reviews

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